The Right Guy?

Question:

hello phyllis! i’ve been a long time reader of alice! i love your books so much, i’ve been trying to get an alice book to get my little sister hooked into it now since she hates to read overall…. haha! and i know for SURE she’ll get hooked into this as much as i had! haha! 😀
well, i was wondering if you can give me an opinion of what has been going on in my life. i have known my friend (let’s call him Andy) Andy for a long time, since 7th grade. he and i got very close and dated in our freshman year for a month and broke up, which was not about eachother, he had a family situation. (he’s actually my first bf and i had my second one in junior year, so overall i’ve only had 2 boyfriends my whole life). we continued to be good friends throughout that year until he moved away in the middle of our sophomore year. we lost contact until our senior year came up. we’ve been hanging out so much and practically spent all of our holidays together, went on trips together, and even met each others family! and then, we fell in love….
i have never been with someone that i was so comfortable around before, and he’s the only one that can get me out of my comfort zone. he tells me everything and we spend a lot of time together. but once he got accepted to a University far away, we decided that the best thing to do is to break up. we didn’t want to, but it felt right. what i hear from him is that he’s scared of not having a relationship work when we’re so far and there could be frustration that may arise, and that he’s scared of statistic relationships, that freshman couples usually break up around Thanksgiving…
For MY reason, i feel very inexperienced… im actually afraid that since i’ve only had 2 bfs in my life then what if i wonder about other relationships that i could have? i mean, i don’t think of that when i’m with him but, i was watching the “glee” show which showed this guy who married his wife and then they divorced and he started going out with this girl who says that he’s only been with his high school sweetheart his whole life and what if he’s curious about his bachelor-like side. i know getting things from a show may sound crazy, but i like to find morals from movies or shows and the things that they’re trying to tell us and think about my own life.
Andy, i will say, is a very handsome, smart, and charismatic person. he’s dated A LOT of girls before and after me, and then… dated me again… loL! and sometimes i feel like, what if he’s gone through so many relationships that he “perfected” himself. i know there’s no such thing as perfect, but i’m just saying that what if he went through so much that he knows how to deal with dating situations or something… we’re only 18, and i really do feel like i shouldn’t feel too committed just yet. i love him to the point where i think i COULD, but i feel like i want to do things in my life NOW so i could be ready for the real thing for him, that is, if we love each other enough to give each other a 3rd try in the future.
my sister is always telling me “But why did you guys break up for?! you know long distant relationships could work!”
i do feel that he could be too good for me, personality wise and looks…so i was only wondering if you think she is right about a working long distant relationship and if you think my reason for not being together throughout our college years apart is ok… thanks so much for reading! i will appreciate it so much!

Phyllis replied:

 

I’m not sure what you mean about “I do feel that he could be too good for me…”  Are you saying that perhaps you’re not “good enough” for him?  It sounds to me as though the two of you have a strong relationship, and I don’t see why you have to break up.  But I do think that while you are far away from each other, and only 18, you should also have the understanding that you can each go out with other people.  Yes, it’s risky.  Yes, it’s possible that one of you will find someone who suits you even more.  But the bigger risk, I think, is not giving yourselves the chance to explore the big wide world of other people.  You can’t date even a small percentage of the available men out there, of course.  But by going out with others, you will be able to identify more and more strongly what you want in a mate, what traits annoy you or are unacceptable, what kind of person brings out the best in you.  And it could very well happen that after a few years of staying in contact with each other, but dating other people, you will love each other even more, and feel more certain about commitment.

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